A message to heaven

Last night, we started to decorate for fall and Halloween – my dislike for gravestones on a front lawn is no surprise– but Jayden looked through a few decorations and lost it. When I asked him what upset him so much, it was the gravestone decoration that we had from years ago- the one I refuse to put on my lawn…the one that will be thrown away today. I don’t want graves and cemeteries to be scary or silly for our family.  They aren’t.  Zack’s grave is where we speak to him, feel close to him and honour him.  It’s a place where we find comfort and peace. That decoration had made Jayden think of Zack and he started to sob and I tried to hold it together, while my heart was breaking. 

Knowing how much he was missing Zackie, I found the little pumpkin that decorated Zack’s bed at SickKids when he was born.  I let Jayden take it to bed and it seemed to help.  He even smelled it to see if it still smelled like his brother.

After a few more tears, as we snuggled in bed, Jayden asked me,
“Can people in heaven read messages in your mind?”
I said “yes“. 

He closed his eyes and sent a message to his brother, while I hugged and cried along with him.  It was a heart wrenching moment that I will never forget.  He was in so much pain and just wanted to speak to Zack.  I never asked what he said, but it seemed to comfort him. Jayden hasn’t shown a lot of tears about Zack’s death, but in the last few months, its been happening a lot and more often.  Could it be that he is now understanding that Zack’s really gone?  Could it be the twin connection that he is missing?  Maybe he’s found a way to feel connected?  Maybe this is how we will need to help him when he’s missing Zack.

 
My sweet Jayden fell asleep in my arms and I pulled the covers over my own head and fell asleep.  That moment had taken so much out of me, so I closed my eyes and sent my own message to Zackie.