Another birthday without you

To my beautiful Zackie,

Another year without you on your birthday.  You would have been 5 today.  

The memories are just as heartbreaking, my Zackie, even though this is the second birthday without you.  I feel the bittersweetness of planning a special party for your twin brother, while I  still feel your absence today and always.

I wrapped special toys and gifts for Jayden to open, toys that I can play with him and all I could do for you was buy an Elmo balloon to place at your grave.

I wonder if you would have been running on your 5th birthday?  Would you have been able to eat pizza at your party?  Would you have wanted another Elmo-themed celebration?  I would have done anything for you.  To celebrate your life.  I was always so proud on your birthdays…another year older, another year of amazing feats, another year of miracles in our lives. 

The birthday song that used to have both of your names in the chorus, now has one. One name that I sing with an inaudible voice because of the tears streaming down my cheeks.  But I still sing that song, just for you, quietly at your grave to celebrate you and your life.

Instead of playing together and making plans to share your day together, Jayden speaks often about how much he misses you and wishes you were here to have another birthday together.  My hope is that his memories live on, like mine.  I will work hard to keep them alive in all of us.

Your big brother Ty wondered if you are 5 years old in heaven.  Do you have birthdays there?  We talk about how you would be jumping on a cloud to celebrate and that you’d be able to talk now.  I hope that you will have cake with all of our family who are with you in heaven. 

Secretly I hope that you don’t get any older in heaven.  That you don’t age at all.  Because I want to you to be the same, just as you are in my memories, when I see you again one day.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy…this will always be a day to celebrate that you were born and I was your Mommy xox

The moment we met- September 21st, 2007 at 5:56pm

First Birthday
Second Birthday

Third Birthday
We all celebrated Jayden and Zackie’s 3rd and last Birthday together

7 Comments on Another birthday without you

  1. Auntie Kath
    September 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm (5 years ago)

    We are all missing Zackie so very much and plan to visit today and send him special bubbles to wish him a Happy Birthday. In Dylan’s words he will be celebrating with some very special people in heaven who are taking care of him. We love you all XO

  2. Anchel (@AnchelK)
    September 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm (5 years ago)

    Heather, I read this as soon as you posted on Twitter and I had to take a bit of time before I commented.

    I’m so sorry for your loss…and those words don’t quite cut it. Today is an especially bittersweet day that celebrates the life of Jayden and also the spirit of Zackie . His too-short life has made a lasting impact on so many people and he continues to hold a place in so many of our hearts. Sending you guys lots of love today and I hope the cake tastes especially sweet.xoxo
    – Anchel

  3. Tweepwife
    September 21, 2012 at 5:06 pm (5 years ago)

    I am so glad you felt able to put at least some of your feelings into words today. I wish you peace on this very special day where you celebrate the birthing day of two of your boys.

  4. Cheryl
    September 21, 2012 at 8:54 pm (5 years ago)

    Heather, I have been following your blog and your story for several years and never commented because I never knew what to write or say.

    Wishing you peace today as you celebrate J’s birthday. I’m sure Zack is having a big party in Heaven. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers today.

  5. Lisa
    September 21, 2012 at 10:08 pm (5 years ago)

    Heather, you know how much I admire you and your family, your courage, your strength and your enormous heart. The kids and I blew birthday bubbles for Zack in the backyard after school today. Avery didn’t “get it” but she had fun. But Sebastian understood and wondered if Zack could see us. I know he can. Happy birthday to Jayden and Zack. We love you guys. xo

  6. Sarah Gunn
    September 21, 2012 at 10:32 pm (5 years ago)

    Heather, you are always able to tell your story in such a beautiful way. Sending you lots of love today.


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