When paint on the walls is more than it seems

Since Zack died, almost four years ago, his room has always held a special place in our family. At times the door was closed, but slowly we felt comforted being surrounded by his things and our memories. We could picture ourselves back in those days when we paced the floor with him, put all three kids in his crib to read or giggle, gave his GTube feeds and where we spent most nights together. Zack woke up through the night every night and stayed up for hours. At first the twins were together in the room, in separate cribs, but when Jayden was too big for the crib, we moved him in with Ty and Zack got his own room.  

It was the room where I’d walk the floor bouncing him to get him back to sleep. If that didn’t work, we’d rock for another hour in the glider, while I hummed the Elmo song (one night he even slapped me when I stopped singing!). If that didn’t work, I’d turn on Elmo’s World on the tv and VCR in his room (I had ordered a billion videos on EBay), so he could watch for an hour while I dozed in the chair. This was HIS room and OUR room each night. 

We realized around this time two years ago, that it was time to move Jayden out of Ty’s room and into Zack’s old room. That by taking photos and by repurposing the crib into shelves and a headboard (my amazing Dad’s handywork), it would be okay to make this change. The bed was set up and Jayden’s things had taken the place of all the Elmo accessories, but we just weren’t ready to paint.  We had been procrastinating about painting over the crayon drawings for the last two years, even as Jayden put some rock posters over one wall, we weren’t ready. 

Jayden’s First Night in his new room

Those were crayon drawings that had been inspired one late night when Zack wasn’t sleeping. I drew “Zackie’s World” and roughed in the window, shade, drawer and Dorothy the goldfish that all made up the set on Elmo’s World (his favourite show). I had even bought the bedding for Zack’s last Christmas and it was going to be an amazing room for him. But the room was never completed.

Grief is such a crazy ride. There are days where you feel like moving on and changing things is exactly the right thing to do but then there are times where you want time to stand still and never change at all. The fear that change might lead to forgetting the person you love, is paralyzing at times.

Just before the paint went on

One day I decided to spontaneously call to a painter (the boyfriend of a girl I used to babysit for) and it just felt like this was the right person and the right time for this big step.  We began the final transition to a really special room for Jayden, one that he truly has been waiting for and fully deserves. 

Thankfully, I was at work while the painting was completed and when I walked up the stairs and saw it for the first time, I was emotional. I was sad but also so happy that we had taken one more step in our journey through grief, happy that we had done this for Jayden and happy that I could still picture EXACTLY where each sketch was, under that new paint.  

As I snuggled in with my rock star and looked around the room, I looked around and remembered where all those words, especially “Mommy misses you“, and other drawings had been. I knew then that my memory would keep those alive for ever.

“I wish I could scratch off that paint over there, Mommy and see those words you wrote for Zackie and I wish I could see the drawing over here too. I miss my old walls”. 

With a huge hug and a tear in my eye, I told Jayden that I loved that artwork too, but that it was time to paint the walls to make it special for him. I told him that I had taken photos of each and every section on those old walls and promised to print and frame them just for him.

Last night- new walls

I realized that I had been wrapped up in my own emotions about painting those walls and never recognized that perhaps I might not be the only one who needs to adjust to this new room.

Last night this room truly became Jayden’s big boy room, but I know there is a sweet angel who will visit his twin from time to time just to hum the Elmo song where he used to sleep.