Halle Berry’s custody battle has stirred some discussion about race and raising biracial children. In large part, pop culture and the media seem to accept biracial relationships and even biracial children- hell, they even make it seem “cool” to have a black or mixed baby. Just look at Seal and Heidi, Hank and Kendra even the United States President is of mixed race!
I remember back when Paul and I met, we got lots of looks when we were together. Even now, when we stand at a cashier or in a store, no one assumes we are together unless we hold hands. I will never forget how many comments I got when I was pregnant about having a “cute mixed baby” and even the nurse in the hospital told us “she had always hoped to have a mulatto child because they are always so gorgeous”. Are we really as accepting as we think we are? Are these statement not racist in nature?
Race and skin colour is a regular discussion around our house. It is very clear that we are all different in our house and that’s always okay and celebrated. We never shy away from the questions or ignore how the kids might be feeling about being “different” from others or even from their parents. Instead, we take it as an opportunity to open the dialogue with our boys. Not only so they feel comforted in being unique, but also so that they know the topic is never something to ignore or be embarrassed by. Adopting African children might also mean that Sandra Bullock, Madonna, and Brad and Angie could have issues of acceptance and identification in their home as well. I hope they are brave enough to share them with other parents so that we can open the dialogue.
At our house, our boys consider themselves “brown”…in terms of colour, they know that they
are not white like their mom or black like their dad. Ty often asks us why he is darker than his brothers or why he has curly hair. I couldn’t believe that at 5 years old he was really aware that being “lighter” or having straight hair would really be more desirable. We acknowledge how he feels but then explain that God got it right when he took his mom and dad and found a shade that would show both colours!
The truth is, that while our kids are half white and half black, the world will see them as “not white”. While Halle’s comment about the “one drop (of black)” was out of spite, it makes a good point. The world sees us in terms of clear racial identities and not in those of many different shades. Is there a biracial “box” to check? Should my kids check the white AND black box? Or are they “other”? I hate to admit that this is how the world works, but it does. I truly hope this changes. Like many other things changing in our society, our definition or even need to define is changing too. Our kids might choose to identify with more of their white or black side, as they grow up and find their way, but as a white mom, I will never really understand how being of mixed race might feel to them now, or in the future. My job is to teach them about acceptance, tolerance and how to celebrate differences in all people! Judging someone for their character and not for the colour of their skin is a wonderful lesson that Martin Luther King passed on to us and to our kids…and we practise this daily.
I just read a spectacular poem that Maureen Turner at The Yummy Mummy Club heard at her daughter’s school assembly (read her full post to understand why her daughter also needed to hear this poem)! I have printed this off and put it in Ty’s scrapbook so that he may look to it one day and believe in who he is and why, while some people might put him down for the colour of his skin, God had a different plan and made him just perfectly!
Prayer
Why Did You Make Me Black Lord?
Lord, why did you make me black?
Why did you make someone
the world would hold back?
Black is the color of dirty clothes,
of grimy hands and feet,
Black is the color of darkness,
of tired beaten streets.
Why did you give me thick lips,
a broad nose and kinky hair?
Why did you create someone
who receives the hated stare?
Black is the color of the bruised eye
when someone gets hurt,
Black is the color of darkness,
black is the color of dirt.
Why is my bone structure so thick,
my hips and cheeks so high?
Why are my eyes brown,
and not the color of the sky?
Why do people think I’m useless?
How come I feel so used?
Why do people see my skin
and think I should be abused?
Lord, I just don’t understand…
What is it about my skin?
Why is it some people want to hate me
and not know the person within?
Black is what people are “Labeled”
when others want to keep them away…
Black is the color of shadows cast….
Black is the end of the day.
Lord you know my own people mistreat me,
and you know this just ain’t right….
They don’t like my hair, they don’t like my
skin, as they say I’m too dark or too light!
Lord, don’t you think
it’s time to make a change?
Why don’t you redo creation
and make everyone the same?
God’s Reply:
Why did I make you black? Why did I make you black?
I made you in the color of coal
from which beautiful diamonds are formed…
I made you in the color of oil,
the black gold which keeps people warm.
Your color is the same as the rich dark soil
that grows the food you need…
Your color is the same as the black stallion and
panther, Oh what majestic creatures indeed!
All colors of the heavenly rainbow
can be found throughout every nation…
When all these colors are blended,
you become my greatest creation!
Your hair is the texture of lamb’s wool,
such a beautiful creature is he…
I am the shepherd who watches them,
I will ALWAYS watch over thee!
You are the color of the midnight sky,
I put star glitter in your eyes…
There’s a beautiful smile hidden behind your pain…
That’s why your cheeks are so high!
You are the color of dark clouds
from the hurricanes I create in September…
I made your lips so full and thick,
so when you kiss…they will remember!
Your stature is strong,
your bone structure thick to withstand the
burden of time….
The reflection you see in the mirror,
that image that looks back, that is MINE!
So get off your knees,
look in the mirror and tell me what you see?
I didn’t make you in the image of darkness…
I made you in the image of ME
Author Unknown
Sherry C
February 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm (13 years ago)Heather your such a amazing Mom. Beautiful post.
the three wise menn
February 18, 2011 at 7:27 pm (13 years ago)I have been following you for a while. This post is wonderful. We are a transracial family through adoption, and are already trying to have discussions about being the ‘same’ and ‘different’ with our 2-1/2 year old.
The poem was beautiful and something I will save to share with her someday!
Andrea
Nikki McDaniel
February 18, 2011 at 8:34 pm (13 years ago)It is important for us to help our children celebrate being biracial !!! Maia says she wants to be “peach” like me!! So finding a place to fit in is on her little mind too. Beautiful post Heather!!!
TJZMommy
February 18, 2011 at 10:11 pm (13 years ago)Thanks to all of you for reading. I think these discussions are so important. By saying “we are all the same” really ignores that infact, the world doesn’t see us all that way. Let’s keep the dialogue open for our kids.
Lisa
February 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm (13 years ago)We have a child who is “different”, not in terms of skin colour, but the differences are being more apparent as our daughter gets older. So far, her sibling hasn’t noticed or at least hasn’t remarked, on why/how his sister is unlike him or other kids her age. I hope when the time comes, we will be able to express ourselves as honestly, openly and fearlessly as you do. xo
Christy aka Freckles
March 7, 2011 at 4:16 pm (13 years ago)we also have a bi-racial family. I am white, my husband is black and my kids are brown ( how they refer to themselves – a little bit of Mommy and Daddy mixed up together).
We have those discussions in our house to. It can be hard. My daughters often talk about wanting to have straight hair like their friends, or they wonder why they don’t look more like me.
The nice thing for them is that they do have a few friends they look just like them. They actually seek them out when we go places, there is a need to find others who are like themselves, so they know they are not alone in this world, that there are others that look like them.
Thanks for sharing and I hope the discussions continue.
Nadja
March 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm (13 years ago)I’m Mediterranean and my niece asked if I was “brown” when she was around 6. They notice things young.
I have 2 daughters. One looks like me while the other is blond with blue eyes. I often wonder how they’ll view themselves and each other later.
Question I’m one of those people that Has commented on how beautiful mixed race babies are and have had that conversation with a black girl who felt the same. Could that be viewed as a racist conversation by some?
MorethanMommy
March 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm (13 years ago)As a biracial woman, I think it’s important to keep the dialogue open, but not to put your own fears and worries on your kids. It may not be that your son thinks that darker is worse, but that darker is different from you. I grew up with a white mom who I adored (and still do) and black dad that I barely knew. I had plenty of challenges to overcome in my head about race, but I don’t think they were necessarily any more challenging that things other people handled – divorce, body image issues, pressure from family, bullying, etc. In the end, I am a strong person and I feel very fortunate to be biracial. It gives me a unique perspective on the world. Just love them and they will be OK.