Last night we wanted to take the kids out for dinner to Kelsey’s where we often went for some family time. Our first stop was the cemetery across the street from the restaurant.
Visiting Zack’s grave and the cleaning off the Elmo doll that still sits on top of the pile of dirt, is usually my daily ritual AFTER I drop the kids at school in the morning. I love this time alone with God and Zack. I can have our time to talk, cry and I can ask a lot of questions…
“Could I have done anything differently?”
“Are you okay?”
“Is God taking care of you, like I would?”
“Are you there to give me strength to help create this Dream Room in your name?”
I also ask him, each day, to show me a sign that he is with me…any way for me to know that I still have him beside me. I want to know that I can still count on his strength and inspiration to help me, his daddy and brothers each and every day. A sign of hope that heaven exists and that our son will be waiting for me when I get there.
After I asked for my sign, it was time to leave. Saying goodbye and walking back to the car is always the hardest part. Leaving our son there and taking the other two boys to dinner was painful. The tears rolled down my eyes as we left through the gates.
Would I ever see those signs?
We arrived at the restaurant and I thought before I said “table for four”. An ache hit my heart as this was the first time I had had to say out loud that we were missing a member of our family.
We sat at the booth in the bar, so that Paul and Jayden could watch any sports on the t.v., then the kids started to colour the little booklet that the hostess had given them…
But she brought us 3 books.
We started to order and then I heard someone, who I couldn’t see, sneeze. Zack thought sneezes were hilarious.
Finally, we were eating our dinner and drinking some wine, when a great song by Feist, that we loved from Sesame Street, was on the radio. I hadn’t heard the “real” version of this song but loved it on the Elmo episode. Of course I didn’t know the real words so we all sang the furry monster version instead.
Zack showed me his signs….and I felt so close to him all night.
Thank you Zackie, Mommy really needed that. xoxox
holyflyingpiranha
March 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm (13 years ago)He’s with you, honey. And with God.
Thanks for sharing. Big hugs!
Pam @writewrds
Bubbie Bonnie
March 26, 2011 at 8:02 pm (13 years ago)This comment has been removed by the author.
Bubbie Bonnie
March 26, 2011 at 8:03 pm (13 years ago)As I read each of your posts they really strike a nerve with me, but this one about the sign – I waited a long time for a sign from Jon, and I got it when Kailey was born. She had an angel looking out for her and I always believed it was her Uncle Jonathan. I keep looking everyday for another sign. Keep writing Heather – it helps both of us.
Anonymous
March 26, 2011 at 8:11 pm (13 years ago)My thoughts will now always turn to Zack when I hear that song – whether on Seasame Street or the radio.
Karyn
March 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm (13 years ago)You are one of the bravest women I know. Rest assured that Zack is in very good hands … second only to yours!
Supermom
March 27, 2011 at 1:41 pm (13 years ago)Heather although we havent ever met I just wanted to say that right now you are helping me more then you could ever know. Last week my son was diagnosed with cancer and I have read and reread your blog, soaking in all the positive energy and strength that you exude while writing.
Thank you so very much 🙂
TJZMommy
March 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm (13 years ago)Thank you everyone for reading.
Bonnie- I think of how you have done it for all these years. While I hate that we have this in common..it does help to have someone know what this is like.
Supermom…please email me anytime. How awful for your family. Please know that I’m sending you any extra strength I may have. Keep me posted.
Alexandria
March 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm (13 years ago)I believe in signs, and I’m so glad you’re finding the ones that help your heart, even just a little. xox
Maria
March 27, 2011 at 8:49 pm (13 years ago)I truly believe that those signs were very real and intended for you. I hope they gave you some comfort. Hugs.
Kath
March 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm (13 years ago)Keep going to these special spots and know that Zackie is with you everywhere you go! I often looked for signs over the years as well and kept expecting something tangible that I could see or feel, sometimes its just something that you sense but you know it and you feel it.
Kailey and I saw a Zackie bag the other day and both looked at each other and she hugged me and said- Zackie sure would have loved that. I told her that every time we see Elmo it will remind us of him and the love we feel for Zackie..
Thanks for sharing another wonderful blog.xo
BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities
March 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm (13 years ago)That was so moving, and I believe in all of those signs. Keep looking for Zackie and I bet you’ll feel his spirit in all kinds of surprising ways. Hugs xo
JackiYo
March 30, 2011 at 10:47 pm (13 years ago)I have no idea how to express what I want to say, so I thought I’d just leave a comment saying I was here. Just wanted you to know that. “Table for four.” Three simple, little words with so much meaning.
Mom2Michael
March 31, 2011 at 12:05 am (13 years ago)I know we haven’t met Heather, but I just need to comment. Believe the signs, they are real. He is with you all the time. I’m not going to make this comment about me, but know I’ve had signs from a couple of people close to me after they passed. I am sure Zack is in a wonderful place, free of pain and challenges now.