Halloween after loss is horrible. I hate driving around my neighbourhood this time of year. My eyes just can’t stop looking at the graves, skeletons and gruesome heads coming out of the ground on my neighbours’ lawns.
Do you have these types of decoration on your front porch? Maybe you should consider that they might be triggers for someone who has had a death in their family.
The graveyard and cemetery scenes that used to get me in the holiday mood, now bring up horrible memories of burying my 3 year old son. Halloween has never been the same since Zack died…hitting me the first year and has taking on a totally new meaning ever since. I find it impossible to separate the spectacle of death associated with Halloween, from the reality that I’ve lost someone I love. Someone I miss everyday. My images of Zack in his casket, as he was buried in the grave or even the way his body might look now, are never far from my mind. How could they be? But going to the cemetery is not a scary place for us (although we did see bats there last time). It’s a place of comfort and peace. A place where we connect with Zack, laugh and cry with him. It’s where I go to be closer to heaven or maybe just close to his body where I last saw it. Not somewhere creepy or funny, but special and sacred. Having similar images in around my neighbourhood, is like daily torture leading up to October 31st. Making fun of death is just not something I can do.
Thankfully, these feelings of associating the death decorations and neighbourhood cemetery props with the death of their brother, hasn’t hit our boys. I’m glad that they want to have fun for this holiday and decorate, but I just can’t do it. How do I find the compromise without taking away the fun for them? How can I share my feelings without bringing up images associated with their own grief?
Last night we started to pick through some decorations that I felt comfortable using, some spiders, a weird vampire thing that hangs by the door and some plastic pumpkins and rats. I let the kids get creative outside, but secretly threw away the decorations that really bothered me…the foam gravestone and skeletons. They seemed happy enough to be restricted to what I allowed to be on display on the front porch and I’m okay with these types of decorations this year.
According to Native American philosophy, Halloween is the time of year when the “veil between the two worlds is the thinnest”. It’s the time when the spirit world is closest to us and most connected to our physical world here on earth. It might even actually be a time when the spirits of those who have died feel even closer to us and signs become clearer.
THIS is my new Halloween.
Ghosts, graves and skeletons? No thanks. A closer connection to the afterworld? Yes, please!
Could it be a possible that there will be a sign from Zack, as my other boys are dressing up and overdoing it on sugar?
I believe that signs exist, so what better night to open up the possibility that I might see one again! I’ll be waiting as I eat hand out the candy that night and watch for a little Elmo costume to come to my door.
This is one of my fave Halloween Photos of me and 2 of my guys….
karengreeners
October 21, 2011 at 6:41 pm (13 years ago)I think you can tell the boys, ‘Let’s do something new this year!’ and off to Dollarama with you. Maybe pick a theme – The Biggest Spider Web On The Block, or Here There Be Witches. You can have fun without the macabre, and I’m guessing that the smiles on your boys faces can only help a mama heal. xo
Maria
October 21, 2011 at 6:47 pm (13 years ago)I like the idea of pumpkins, witches and spiders. You can let them decorate with that fun dollar store spider web stuff and little critters, and put mini-pumpkins all over the house.
{hugs}
Kath
October 21, 2011 at 9:06 pm (13 years ago)I think you can definitely talk to the boys about trying something different this year – make it a fun shopping trip for a new theme. We always go with cute, pumpkins, hay stacks, orange lights and lots of little decorations around the house and the kids love it. I never feel comfortable with the scary, graveyard stuff either. Make it whatever feels comfortable for you. For the kids it is all about having fun decorating and getting into the spirit – I know whatever you do your house will look amazing!
Sharon
October 22, 2011 at 1:57 pm (13 years ago)Oh Heather…..it never even occurred to me that Halloween decorations could make you feel that way and yet it makes so much sense. And if you’re feeling that way, I bet many others are as well. I think you should take the boys out and shop for all new stuff – let them pick and choose but guide them away from what will make you sad. xo
TJZMommy
October 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm (13 years ago)I hadn’t even thought Halloween would be a big deal…Zack was always sick and hated the costumes, so the holiday was really for our other boys.
Ty and Jayden mentioned decorations again last night and when I listed what we should use as decor (spiders, webs, etc.) Ty asked about gravestones. I was honest and told him that they made me sad because of Zack ….my sweet kid said, “yeah mom, I understand” and came over to snuggle with me.
I’m a lucky mommy.
wratwrds
October 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm (13 years ago)I’ve been thinking of you since I read this story on Friday. Honestly, Heather, I like to think Zach will be there with you, closer than ever, on Halloween. There enjoying it with you.
There might some stuff in the container you can choose and use, with some new, fun stuff that everyone will feel good about.
(((Hugs))) @writewrds
zchamu
October 28, 2011 at 9:18 pm (13 years ago)I’m not a big fan of the ghouly, creepy part of Halloween at the best of times. I like the more PG version no matter what.
Lisa
October 29, 2011 at 12:17 am (13 years ago)Witches, spiders, big hairy rats. That’s how we decorated this year. I love the Dollar Store. We change our theme from year to year. Good thing too, since I lost our decorations from last year. Seriously, how does one lose a bin of decorations, in their own house?? Also, what’s really scary, is I’ve already eaten half the Halloween candy and I’m going to have to venture out to Wal-mart tomorrow to buy more. Frightening!! Of course, this is my attempt to make you laugh. I can’t imagine how hard every holiday must be. The photo of you at Zackie’s grave… I have no words.
Lorette
November 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm (12 years ago)I am touched by your post…I hope that you were able to enjoy Halloween and now All Saints and All Souls Day. Your little Zack is now an Angel in your life. Hugs
Michelle
October 18, 2012 at 9:47 pm (12 years ago)Heather, I read this and my heart sunk very low. It reminded me of the year I battle the same feelings. My best friend who lived across the street was killed at the hands of her husband who then took his own life. Not the same thing, not even close I understand but that first Halloween I was ‘I don’t know what to do.” Every year our house was the spookiest one on the block (halloween is my favourite)but that just felt sooo wrong. The symbols of death just felt like a huge betrayal, disregard and heartwrenching. Our entire family had been turned upside down but my kids didn’t understand why ‘everything’ had to be different. Truthfully I just wanted something to be normal too. I compromised with myself, went out alone (to avoid the conversations and explanations) and I bought new decorations, scary but not related to death & dieing. I brought them home and we decorated (ok the kids decorated, I mostly bawled my eyes out)It was a compromise, I would have loved for someone to just say to me it’s okay to do this, but that wasn’t going to happen so I just did what felt right in my own heart at the time. I think that is the best you can do. Much peace and love to you Heather and your family on your journey & healing
Rachel
October 18, 2012 at 10:40 pm (12 years ago)This hit home hard. We were at a pumpkin patch the other day and there were headstones as decorations. One was suppose to be a funny rhyme about their dead son Charlie.
It really really bothered me to see that. I thought it was just me, nice to know I am not completely nuts 🙂
BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities
October 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm (12 years ago)I love that it came up naturally with Ty and you could explain why it makes you feel uncomfortable and “he got it!” xo
Peady @ Tempered With Kindness
October 24, 2015 at 5:16 pm (9 years ago)First of all, I love this post. Thank you for writing it.
Secondly, I make no apologies for enjoying a kinder, gentler, Halloween. I have always been the kind of person who does *not* enjoy the scarier, more macabre, aspects of this day and while I love the fun and happiness of any day we celebrate I cannot pretend to enjoy the gore (and excessively more disgusting/violent images) that seems to have found its way into this lower case ‘h’ holiday.
Death is a natural part of life. The living remember those who have passed. I am okay with this. Of course! I appreciate your appreciation of Native American traditions. That is beautiful. It reminds me of the Mexican tradition of Dia de los Muertos – but that is a very skeleton-y celebration, so tread with caution. I am aware of the origins of Halloween, yet I choose to stick with black cats, happy faced pumpkins, full moons, bats and witches rocking striped stockings.
Honestly, do we need to see more scary stuff? Isn’t the news of the world more than enough?
Excellent post!
Heather Hamilton
October 24, 2015 at 10:31 pm (9 years ago)Thank YOU for always being so supportive. Holidays just don’t mean the same for me or other bereaved families. I hope that I can help some people see another point of view when it comes to decorations this year.
Sandy T
October 27, 2015 at 7:23 pm (9 years ago)Awww, thank you for sharing this. I feel exactly the same way. We have suffered so many losses in my family that holidays have never felt the same. I always wanted to do special things because of my nieces and nephew, but they are at the ages where they understand and empathize that special occasions also trigger a great deal of emotion and sadness, even on their end. I have no doubt that you and your family will find a more entertaining, less gruesome way of celebrating Halloween. Keep being you, and as always, thanks for sharing your posts. You’re a very strong lady, and I respect and admire how open you are about sharing your experiences and stories, especially about Zackie. xo
Heather Hamilton
October 27, 2015 at 8:03 pm (9 years ago)Thanks Sandy. I know I’m not alone in thinking that all holidays now carry new meaning since such a profound loss. It’s yet another balancing act…fun for the kids but respect my own feelings too. Appreciate your comments!
Rosemary
October 31, 2015 at 12:12 am (8 years ago)Heather – this is my first Halloween since my daughter died last Christmas. Sara was diagnosed with Tcell All on Halloween many years ago and I have disliked the holiday ever since. My daughter, however, LOVED it and each year she would plan more and more elaborate decorations and treats for the kids in our neighbourhood without my participation. This year I have bought candy for the first time in twenty years and put out a pumpkin. Hopefully I will not be crying as I give out candy and start rumours about the crazy lady house!
Heather Hamilton
November 10, 2015 at 12:35 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss. How was your Halloween?
Mel
November 10, 2015 at 5:56 am (8 years ago)I had the same thought as you on this when checking out my neighbors Halloween decorations . Makes sense though considering the loss we had on this day.
FYI around Halloween, I was going through some clothes that Bonnie’s friend generously gave us For Levi and in it was an Elmo Halloween costume . I thought of zackie and you 😀
I have always loved the idea of connecting with loved ones that have crossed over so thanks for the reminder that the idea is that it is easier to connect with them at this time. Next year I will watch more closely for the signs and meditate😉
Astrologer Pandit Sai Ram
November 1, 2023 at 9:25 am (6 months ago)Thank you for sharing great story with us information