Surviving Christmas After The Loss of a Loved One

Grief sucks everyday, but everything is so much harder at the holidays. Christmas music, the ornaments on the tree, holiday conversations, parties and even the toys stores. I should be shopping for 3 sons, not just two, but again this year, we will be celebrating without my Zack.

As we approach another Christmas without Zack, I’m still overwhelmed with the emotions of what that means to our family again this year. This is a time for celebration and family- and yet our family is not all together, it never will be again. Surviving Christmas after the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The Christmas songs that I used to blare in my car starting December 1st (or earlier when I was alone), are now rarely played. They make me cry when I listen to the words and lyrics about family, tradition and children. I only hear the first beat of “All I want for Christmas is You” and I start bawling thinking of the only Christmas wish I can imagine, having him back, even just for one day.While our boys are visiting with Santa, I can’t help but think of those moments when all three of my boys sat on his knees and knew his magic. I even find that shopping for my two amazing boys is really hard. I find myself wandering around the store wondering what Zack would have been getting that year and how much joy I would have seen on his face as he got another new Elmo toy or book!

Our Christmas tree is put up every December and adorned with ornaments from the last several years. I only need to walk by quickly to catch his name twinkling in the lights as I remember giving him that ornament or helping him put it on the tree. The pain is unbearable, and yet we need to have Christmas in our house for our other two boys.

Our family is only one of many who are feeling these emotions. I know so many families who will be trying to find some way to push through the holidays after a horrible loss in their family. Whether it’s a grandparent, a spouse, a parent or a child, I want to pass along some ways that helped us survive the holidays and will continue to help us in the years to come.

1. YOU make the decisions on how you celebrate:

It was really hard for the rest of our family on our first year without Zack but we decided to go away and not celebrate with the painful traditions at home. It was a stressful to explain to other family members about our decision, but ultimate WE needed to do what felt right for us. Be sure to put yourself first and decide what will feel better- it might only be a one year change from the usual, but it is up to you. 

2. Find a candlelighting or remembrance ceremony to attend:

December 6th is a day when loved ones who have died, are honoured and remembered. The Bereaved Families or Hospice organizations in your region have amazing resources at this time of year. Not only are there ceremonies, but also specific support groups for loss during the holidays. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone at this difficult time of year. Many churches, funeral homes and cemeteries also do their own unique service to honour those who have died. During our first year without him, our family attend the service at the cemetery while Zack is buried, and we were overcome with emotions as they showed a slideshow of photos and we got to write little notes on dove ornaments for the spectacular tree of remembrance. It was really emotional, but so beautiful.

3. Continue some of your traditions or make new ones, when you are ready:

On our first Christmas without Zack, we didn’t have a tree, didn’t have a turkey, and did everything OPPOSITE to our traditions. In the years since, we feel ready to put up the tree with all those ornaments of Zack’s and to open gifts in our own home on Christmas morning. It’s not going to be easy, but we are going to try. We are celebrating with our family and eating turkey, but we have asked to do things a bit different this year. While the first year was too hard to do much, this year does feel like we can slowly add in some old traditions and make new ones. We are starting some new traditions and our entire family have really jumped on board with our ideas. I always buy the boys new ornaments each year. Last year, we didn’t put up the tree at all, but this year I bought Zack an ornament that will hang on our tree. I will continue to buy all 3 boys an ornament as a symbol that Zack is very much in our minds and hearts over the holidays.

4. Give gifts of memories:

One year, I gave each of our boys a photo book with amazing memories of each of them with their little brother, Zackie. It was so incredibly hard to collect the photos and compile this special book, but I loved that I could hand over a book to our kids and help them remember each moment with the brother that they lost. While it was a painful exercise, I know they still look at that book often, just to remember. Consider photo books, a special framed photo, or even jewelery with your loved one’s name or photo on it.

5. Be gentle with yourself- let someone else cook the turkey:

Take it slowly through the days leading up to Christmas. I can promise you that the days before Christmas are much worse than the actual day itself. I can even say that the second year will get a bit easier. Give yourself time away from the busyness of buying gifts and hosting guests, so that you can just sit back and allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t be the one that cooks the turkey, let other family members carry that burden…you have too many burdens of your own.

While it might never be the same Merry Christmas it once was, it can be a new holiday wrapped up in memories of someone very special. 

Take some time to hold family close and remember the one you lost.  That’s exactly what we will be doing this year.